He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
