I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
