Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
