awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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