Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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