O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
