So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
