i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
