I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
