Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
