Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
