Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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