I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
