I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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