My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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