1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
