I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
