Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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