I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
