your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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