Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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