I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
