My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
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Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
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The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?