I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
