the condom got lost in my hair
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
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airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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