She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
