Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
