The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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