I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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