ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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