there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
