when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
