Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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