Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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