You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
