mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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