He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
