So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
