i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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