Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
