I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
