dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
