he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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