I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.