Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
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They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Good thing I've started drinking again