I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
