Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Someone shit on the floor
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
