I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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