someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
