I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You smell like stripper and shame
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
