I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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