I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
