Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
