I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
