It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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