watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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