who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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