I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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